Let's stop to get it gone

It was a rough couple days after that meeting with Zimmerman. I ended up lucky in that I had a meeting scheduled with Brower the next day. So Thursday evening I meet with the head of the 4+1 program in his office and discussed, for an hour, the possibility of a masters from Tulane.

Realistically, it is the smartest path for me to follow right now. I'll be honest in saying I'm slightly disappointed at not hearing back from Chris about the Mississippi State Job, but I know he's busy and has a lot of things on his plate at the end of the year.

So back to logistics. Overall plan: I might do this all in one year, with a thesis started first semester and finished up second semester. Brower is checking on the 'delayed thesis' idea, to see if the graduate school would allow such a thing, but I might end up reapplying to programs after I get my first semester grades next year. So that could mean I'd jump straight from the 4+1 to a PhD program and be on my way to being a professor.

Two details of the plan: 1) I stopped by and talked with Dave Haden from HRL after I met with Zimmerman on Wednesday, and I found out Friday that there's a good chance I'll end up with a position next year. There were no specifics nor paperwork at this point, and I'll fill you in if I hear anything else, but suffice it to say that I hopefully won't have to worry about that end.

2) Now for the negative detail. The catch. The small pin that this entire plan is hanging on. I might not even get accepted to the 4+1 program. Everyone's been telling me all semester that there's no way I wouldn't get in to any school I apply to. While I thank you for this complement, there are many ways in which any school could turn me down. Perhaps not me as in the 'flesh-and-blood sentient being' me, but the me that exists on paper. I don't want to go into specifics on a fairly public source, but suffice it to say there there is a fairly frustratingly close ratio of individuals on the committee that could allow me into the program.

Anyways, I guess all I can do is apply and hope for the best. I'll probably be able to get everything in to Brower by Tuesday or Wednesday, and then I should hear sometime early the next week. Have no doubt that as soon as I know, it'll be posted here. However, you'll probably read several more posts about this point between now and then, as it seems to be taking up my entire life (perhaps because the decisions effect my entire life). Enough about it for now, though.

Life is more than who we are...

Ok, so here's an update. I talked with Prof. Zimmerman today about my future options for graduate school. Realistically, and I knew this from the start, I need a better record to get into the programs I need/want to get into. But that's the problem with records...you can't really change them. The only thing one can do is add to them and hope it counts. That's why I was planning on attending a masters before a PhD program, to up my chances of getting into a better program.

So after awhile, we start focusing on what sort of programs I could attend to better my record. Truth of the matter is that I'd be just as well off staying here as I would anywhere else. The added benifit is that I know people here, I might be able to get a job back with housing, and I know the professors well enough to know what they're looking for in papers and such. Thus, the 4+1 Masters program seems like it'll fit the best right now.

As a brief aside, I am still waiting to hear from Chris about the Mississippi State job. If that works out, great, but there's no garuntee on that one. As such, I'm going to progress as if that's a no-go, and wait until I hear otherwise.

Back to the 4+1, I would essentially be here for another two years before I got into a PhD program; one year of intense classes, the second of thesis writing and applying to PhD programs. It would be a lot of study time, as it is going to be a waste of money unless I get all A's. But it would also be well worth it, since it would still be an intellectual pursuit. I'd be able to take courses focusing on the specifics, most of which have always interested me anyways. Anyways, that's the update as far as I know. Again, I'll keep you posted.

Seniors of Zeta Psi

These are the Seniors of the Beta Tau Chapter of Zeta Psi. The best part about this picture is that everyone's true nature shows in their pose. Ever wonder what Zack is really like? He's a pimp. A true pimp.

The End of Bad News

It's unofficial, but confirmed. I cannot receive any more bad news. In a phone conversation to Ohio State's Philosophy Department to check on the status of my letter, I was told that my letter had yet to be sent out, but that I should look into other options. The secretary was very considerate in telling me and I thank her for that because, let's face it, ignorance is not bliss with less than a month to go.

I don't really have anything else to say.

Zeta Psi Formal 2005

Last night was my last Zeta Psi formal event...provided I actually end up going somewhere next year. I couldn't have asked for a better night.

We ended up in the Blue Room of the Fairmont, which suited us perfectly. In the past, we've either been in a conference room (which wasn't nice enough for a formal event) or in the grand ballroom (which swallows a group our size). The Blue Room was perfect, though, with a raised ring around the outside for tables and mingling and a sunken center of the room for the tasty treats and dance floor. As always, the NIBs' awards sucked...but I do give Whitaker credit for making a couple of them worthwhile. And at least we only had to sit through ten or so instead of for the entire brotherhood. My award was "'We don't know what the fuck you're talking about, Buddha' Award." Yeah...makes sense, but wasn't that funny. Subtlety, my friends, is the key to humor.

Anyways, the open bar was to my liking, though they did run out of whiskey a little over halfway thru. But the Patron tequila served it's purpose (without the repeat of the night before) and the playlist, though intermixed with some odd choices, was also nice. Nick and his date, Lisa, rocked the dance floor with their uninhibited headbanging and twirling, and Stafford provided the all-too-necessary "Let's get wasted!" after the toast.

I do feel a bit bad, as the bus ended up leaving a couple couples stranded, but these minor negatives are bound to occur in some capacity. All in all, though, the night was a success and, from what I could tell, everyone (including the dates of those who were overly indulgent) had an amazing time.

With Salt and Lime

It's called sublimation; to transform directly from the solid to the gaseous state or from the gaseous to the solid state without becoming a liquid. My apologeze to anyone who was looking forward to seeing the liquid state. Maybe tonight.

A String of Moments

I had an interesting night tonight. Though it started off rather confusion, that's not the topic of this post.

The topic of it is how much I'm going to miss my friends. I needed to take a walk tonight, and that walk (drive) ended up at the fraternity house. This was the best gathering of brothers and friends I've seen since freshman year. Just enough people to gather and not crowd, everyone in good spirits, good music playing, couldn't ask for more.

As I was walking around, everywhere I looked was a 'moment.' It started off with driving Steph from her dorm to the house, taking the long way. The conversation was in flow. Everything I said came out exactly as I meant it...even occasionally making Steph laugh without meaning to. And in turn, everything she said made perfect sense. Steph's really good about not holding back her thoughts, regardless. It was definitely a needed conversation. Then I get to the house and walk up to the front steps where Leah, Kristal, and that gang were hanging around. It was good to see them, as it'd been about two months. They always add a little spice to events. A few were rather drunk, but that just added to the 'moment.' Though I wasn't drinking tonight, I did head upstairs with Steph to take a shot of tequila, and really good tequila at that. She was kind enough to use my toast: "To absent friends, lost loves, old gods, and the seasons of mist; May each of us walk out as a ghost into the fog." [editor's note: it has been too long and I forget where credit is due for the first half of that toast, but the second was borrowed from a Counting Crows song]. The guys on the back balcony, mainly the NIBs, were a comforting reassurance. These guys are the future of Zeta Psi, and I couldn't ask for a better group. I've been saying for awhile that this is no longer my fraternity. I don't want to convey I don't call them brothers or care what happens, but I've done the work I meant to do, taken it in the direction I felt best for it, and now it's out of my hands, theirs to make out of it what they want out of it. But it was good to see so many of the freshmen there. It reassured me that, wherever they end up taking it, they'll do it for good reasons and make sure it gets there. Marty solidified this with a comment he made. He mentioned out he saw each of his pledge class brothers as almost a mirror of one of the seniors. I've mentioned before how much these guys remind me of my pledge class, and it gives me hope they'll take the same approach we did (again, regardless of the direction that approach points).

Now, up until this point I had simply been enjoying myself. But, with every night of 'moments,' there's a catalyst that makes you stop and realize just how much the night meant. This happened as I was coming back downstairs. Lewis was doing an impersonation of Shir dancing, and cracking himself up in the process. It was an unadulterated, unfiltered, not-caring-how-big-a-fool-I'm-making-of-myself sort of laugh. And it sank right into me. I just stopped dead in my tracks, realizing how much I care about all the people in my life right now (yes, all of them).

There's a corollary to this line of thinking, referring not to my friends but rather towards myself. That'll have to wait for another day, though, because when you experience a string of moments like the one I had tonight, you just let it sink it. You don't tamper with it. You don't try to hold on to it. But above all, you don't ignore it.

The Philosophy Major

A friend from highschool, who I really haven't talked with since except for a couple quick notes this past month, IMed me yesterday. I came back to find this IM and her already "away", so I'm guessing it was a surprise to her to find out that one of my favorite books is Siddhartha. That's completely fair. As I'm sure we can all relate to, I've changed a lot since Glendale. But the comment she made was followed up with, "You really are a philosophy major!" Also completely fair. In fact, her comment set me to finally getting this list made for amazon.com. I had been compiling a list for awhile, and I even set the challenge down to one of my other friends to find me a "book of secrets" (that, however, failed). Anyways, I've made the title of this page a link to the list I made, or you can simply click here.

Though I know I've lacked a little bit on the personal side of this blog lately, I promise I'll get back to it. In the meantime, enjoy looking through my bookshelf, and if you have any suggestions to add to the list, let me know.

Buddhism Paper

I just got back a paper for my Buddhism class. The topic was on Dukkha, or suffering, and we were assigned to outline and describe our reactions pre- and post-Buddhist insight to two forms of suffering exhibited in our lives; both a major and minor manifestation. I won't clog up my main page by posting it here, but if you're interested in reading it, feel free to click here.

Ram Dass

Ram Dass, in his book Be Here Now:

And what keeps you from
THAT PLACE
That gives you that
TOTAL FEELING
& Experience
& Knowing
Of Fulfillment is
ALL of the posturing ALL of your thoughts
ALL of your way of organizing your world
ALL of your plans ALL of your games
You're exploring.

Some of us do go on this journey
We didn't stand up and say we volunteer
(It didn't work that way at all
It's not like you had a choice
of volunteering or not volunteering)
That isn't the way it works.

It's as if you're propelled into it
Like the Moth to the Flame.

But yet nobody's
pushing you. Nobody's
standing around saying: Get in!
Take every third man! HE goes!
It doesn't work that way either.



No personal comment necessary for this quote. You understand.

Breaking

So this past week, possibly started by the disruption caused by camping, I've been completely off. Tack on the extra nights at the fraternity house, the Buddhism paper and the cognative neuroscience paper, and I just couldn't get my feet back under me.

The week as a whole felt completely too long. I'd end up sleeping more than I like (which isn't saying much) and being completely useless during the times I was awake and not in class. Something clicked over two nights ago, though. Don't know what it was, though it's likely my next set of books I just got in from Amazon. Anyways, I clicked back to productive Jeff, which is so much better (both more fun and more useful). So the past couple days have been alright.

I have started writing a monster post. It's not that it's that long (though, it is a read), but the wording needs to be right before I put it up. That's half the reason I haven't posted in so long, with the uselessness taking up the rest. Anyways, I'll post it soon for everyone's reading pleasure.

In the meantime, I have two weeks left of classes and only five weeks till graduation. In light of that, I'm looking for my fill on life. Any experience to live will be lived till I'm done with this era of my life.

In less than 3 paragraphs...

"What is your view on life?"

I was asked this the other day and, though the answer I gave was off the top of my head, it got me thinking. I'll give the same answer here, though I've tweaked it a little.

Life consists of themes, routines, and ruts. This is the skeleton that we form our lives around; oftentimes referred to as our comfort zone. These rhythms, rarely altering, sometimes replacing, but they'll be with us till we die. The meaning of life, however, is in breaking out of those themes. Trying new things, ideas, experiences. Getting out of the comfort zone to feel the pain, joy, sorrow, and any other bittersweet poets' term is what gives reason for living. So, if you ask me, life can be lived to the fullest by constantly changing and altering different aspects of our lives for the sake of experiences. In other words, it's our consciousness breaking out of our programmed responses, our higher Selves taking an active role.

Live

The fool is by the river, watching but not swimming.
It takes energy not to get used to it and fall into this place
Where everything runs together and dies.
This quiet kingdom, she is now
and forever will she be in silent celebration.


We deal in dreams.

All it takes is a phone call...

For awhile now my profile has read "I have applications in to grad schools for Philosophy, with a couple still undecided." Well, the one decided was Tufts, with a rejection. The ones I was waiting on were Ohio State, Carnegie Mellon, and Northern Illinois University. It's now getting late in the process and I'd really like to know what I'm doing after May, so I decided it was time to get ahold of the remaining three schools to find out where I stand.

I called up Carnegie Mellon, who had sent a letter to my home address saying, due to the blah blah blah, they couldn't give me a scholarship. My parents told me this, but failed to read the letter verbatum. After I contact CMU's philosophy department, the graduate secretary sends me the "notification" letter by e-mail. It was the same one my parents got. Though it didn't say everything as explicitly as desired, by reading what it actually said I understood it was not just a rejection of scholarship but a reject of admittence. Strike one.

I also called up Northern Illinois University to find out that I had not been notified of any decision because they didn't have all my materials. They're missing my transcript and my GRE scores. The Graduate Chair gives the their admissions department information, and when I call them they say, "Yeah...we have your transcipt and just haven't passed that on to the department yet." The worse news is that they never recieved my GRE scores, because in my brain fried state I clicked Northeastern Illinois University instead of Northern Illinois University after taking the test. So that cost me another $22 to resend that score, to a potentially full department.

The only ray of hope is that when I called Ohio State's philosophy department they said they hadn't sent out all the letters yet. They'd sent out the fellowship offerings and the TA offerings, but hadn't sent the rest of the letters and wouldn't until the end of next week. So that puts me in a situation where I may still be admitted...which is the best news I've recieved today.

No, it's not exciting news nor is it increadibly uplifting...but it's my life, and it's posted. I'll keep you updated on what I hear, though I imagine it'll be another two weeks before the remaining to schools contact me.

Shameless Ego

So, outside of a couple people who left comments awhile back, I'm curious if anyone actually reads this journal. I'll admit, I do it for myself and don't normally care if I'm unintelligible or have one of my insanity rants, but I'm wondering if anyone has any opinions on what I write. If so, feel free to leave comments...often. They can be left anonymously, or with your name (or pseudonym) attached, but eitherway you don't have to sign-in or anything. Just pop on and say whatever you like, such as, "You need help," or "I had that same experience once too...you can buy some over-the-counter stuff that'll clear it right up."

Anyways, just wondering if anyone out there hears this tree falling.

My Spring Break

The United States

So my subscription to this Blockbuster movie pass is about to expire, and I've been picking up a lot of movies I wouldn't normally pay the $5 to rent. Turns out to be a good thing, cause along with the pieces of commercial crap, I happen upon some excellent films from time to time.

I rented The United States of Leland this afternoon and just got done watching it. It follows the same concepts as American Beauty with the same comfortable feel as Life as a House. In short, it was a great film about the nature of life and the dichotomy between everything's alright (you can't see how bad things are) to what's real. I was surprised at how well Ryan Gosling did in the role of Leland, but naturally both Kevin Spacey and Don Cheadle were right on the mark. Now that I've written about five sentances and then deleted them for their lack of description, I've come to the realization that this movie is just one of those you not only can't describe, but one of those you don't feel like talking about afterwards. So, let me just say I recommend it.